Today’s post is a bit less focused. I think it is because I am less focused. If you read yesterday’s musings, you know that I am not sleeping well. Unfortunately, last night was worse. While the gentle rain and cool breeze made for optimal sleeping conditions, I awakened at 12:11am – fell back to sleep relatively easily – and again at 3:17am. I did not actually get back to sleep until closer to 4am and the alarm went off less than an hour later. I plan to contact my surgeon’s office today to see if I can take diphenhydramine. I cannot do this for many more days.

I was speaking with a good friend yesterday and mentioned that I had decided to blog every day leading up to my surgery. Generally, I wait until I have something to which I have devoted some time thinking. But I thought it would be helpful to me and maybe interesting to readers to follow the process. Of course I will not blog on the day of the surgery and probably not for a few days afterwards. As soon as I can, I will at least post a brief update.

Did you know that you can become so tense that parts of your scalp (small muscles) can become sore? I actually have a sore spot at the top rear part of my scalp. I am grateful that I had the foresight to schedule that therapeutic massage next Monday.

I am finding myself, increasingly, in situations that require me to reassure others about my surgery. It is very odd. Yes, I feel tense and am not sleeping well; however, I have every confidence in my surgeon. When I talked to the clerk at my cardiologist’s office this week she told me they call my doctor “god”. This is in part because of his name, but even more so, she said, because of the miracles he works with their patients. She added that he is the only surgeon with whom they have shared patients who calls the cardiologist right after he has spoken with the patient’s family. He calls to let the doctor know how the surgery went, what occurred, and how their patient is doing. Wow!

But I digress, as I was saying…I am finding myself in situations requiring me to reassure others. Whether through a smile and a nod, a confident response, or a hug. This is not at all what I had expected.  And while the situations are completely different (a: I am not dying; b: this is not cancer), it reminds me of what my grandma once told me about my mother while she was in the hospital. She said that my mother would frequently attempt to calm others, worried about how they were doing, etc. At the time, I could not imagine how someone could focus on others when they were going through their own life-altering event. While I would never try to compare myself to my mother, both because I did not know her (at least not in verbal memory) and I have always imagined her to be an extraordinary woman, I am beginning to understand why she may have focused on others. She cared and did not want to see others suffer.

Well, as I have said, this has been a relatively random post. If I had more time, more sleep, more caffeine…thank you for sharing today’s part of my journey.

Update: Surgeon’s office says they frequently recommend diphenhydramine (aka Benadryl) for patients having trouble sleeping prior to surgery and yes, I can take it tonight.